Day-45: A Pop Quiz Before Dinner?

Largely, Day-45's entry is about the evening of Day-44. 

It is true, my fast is over, the liquids are once again washing down solids and not replacing them. Beth and I enjoyed a wonderful evening on Thursday, though not before I was given a pop quiz.

Actually, it was more like a test, one last little challenge to remind me that I'm not in charge and will always have room for improvement.

A little background:

Beth and I decided to celebrate my eating in grand fashion. Attend the Maunday Thursday service at Church, dinner at the Six One Six, desert in the Chop House basement lounge, overnight in the Amway Hotel and take Friday off work to spend it together.

For preparation I had arranged for my mom to spend the night with the boys, booked a room at the Amway, cleared my Friday schedule, setup friends to meet us for desert and checked with the Pastor, so I knew what would be a safe time for dinner reservations, before I called the Six One Six.  I had everything planed, we were on schedule, I was in control and happy and excited and sure that it was how life is intended to be.

I was wrong. The Maundy Thursday service was as advertised: somber, though provoking, emotional and best of all on pace to have us out the door by 8:00 pm. Around 7:50 pm we started Holy Communion; the Body of Christ was going to be the first food my teeth chewed in 44-Days, it was the moment I had been waiting for and I nearly blew it.

To commemorate the Last Supper our Pastor had each row of pews released individually, as a row we made its way to the front, the Pastor had a moment of quiet prayer for that row.  Beth and I were sitting in the last row of pews and as I watched, I counted how a long it took for a row to be released, prayed upon and receive communion; about four-minutes before returning back to one's seat.  My annoyance bubbled, my skin flushed, I ground my teeth, breathed heavily, and actually started sweating.

I mean, I called the Pastor and he personally told me that we'd be done by 8:00 pm. This isn't fair, this isn't how it is supposed to go. Why are they praying so long? Why are they walking so slow?

I was in funk; Beth put her arm over my shoulder and told me it would be okay, I growled back through gritted teeth, "It's ruined, it's all ruined". The worst part was that I was being selfish and knew it. I was so upset about being upset, I feared that I had ruined everything that I had worked towards, that I had ruined the evening, that I had not learned anything, that I had let myself, Beth and those who've been supporting me down.

After a few more minutes of stewing and contemplating just leaving, our pew was released for the front. While walking forward a wave and guilt for the last twenty minutes swept over me. As we got to the front, circled around our Pastor, put our arms over one another's shoulders and started to receive the prayer my heart cried and eyes followed suit. As we moved to the next station to receive Communion, I knew how meaningless the time waiting for my turn truly was and why I was seated in the last row of pews.  Then, when chewing the bread that was the Body of Christ, I knew that I has just learned one last lesson for Lent.

For the record the Church service was great and the manner in which Communion was executed was perfect.

Beth and I hit the parking lot and were on the road to dinner at 8:18 pm. We arrived at the restaurant at 8:32 pm and our meal was a nice one, desert with great-friends was perfect, and sleeping in to not be awoke by little ones is everything it should be and more.  Chewing bread, sushi, french fries, olives, steak, fish, cheeses, potato chips - is what I had been missing for the past 44-Days.

Random Notes: The hotel room didn't have a scale but when checked about about 3:00 pm in the afternoon I was 194 lbs and the calorie count was definitely lost.  For those worrying about my digestive system, only a little gas and stomach wrenches as it readjusted to processing solid foods.

Day-44: My First Meal in 44-Days is Just Hours Away

Yes, Hours Away!

Beth and I are having dinner at the Six One Six, a fine dinning restaurant at the JW Marriott, but that won't be my first meal.

If you recall, a couple weeks back I decided to have my first meal on Maundy Thursday, a day on the Christian calendar for when Jesus celebrated his Last Supper, with his disciples. It was a meal that Jesus partook in knowing full well that one of the 12 had already betrayed him, and that the remaining 11 would abandon him, if only temporarily. In addition to starting the prophecy that proves who Jesus was, the Last Supper show us the dedication, fearlessness, understanding, compassion and faith a person must have when following their path.

While I'm eating tonight to time it with Jesus' Last Supper, my first meal will actually be the body of Christ at communion. I'm effected by communion differently, where sometimes it means more to me than others. Sometimes it is just hard to appreciate the magnitude of what communion represents or to focus on the moment. I hoping and suspecting that I will not lack focus nor appreciation tonight.  

For now, a night that I've been waiting 44-Days to enjoy is nearly upon me and I'm excited.

Random Notes: Started the day at 187 lbs, I'm at 800 calories as I write this but am guessing to finish around 3200 by the night's end.

Day-43: As with Beer, A Deep Fryer is Proof that God Loves Us and Wants Us To Be Happy

43-Days into not eating solids and I'm getting anxious. I'm eating dinner on Day-44 and it cannot come soon enough. For the meantime below are some lists that you mind find interesting.

Things that I plan on consuming in the first 48-Hours of eating solids:
- A Medium Rare Steak
- Fresh Baked Bread
- Hard Cheese
- Crunchy Veggies
- Baked, Mashed or French Fry Potatoes
- An Apple
- A Pickle
- Salt and Pepper Chips
- A Cesar Salad
- Pizza
- Olives
- An Ultimate Porker from Jimmy Johns
- Biscuits and Gravy
- Popcorn
- Goldfish Crackers
- Sky Martini, Up, Extra Stuffed Olives
- Absolute Bloody Mary, Extra Garnish
- Beer

Things I will not consume before Monday, April 25th:
- Slimfast
- V8 of any variety
- Protein Shakes
- Campbell's Soup At A Hand

Things I've missed that are not specifically food:
- Prayer at meal times, I just grab a can of something and drink it and don't think of giving thanks
- Snacking with Beth while sitting together on the couch
- Letting my boys shove food in my mouth (they find it funny, I find it cute)
- Tasting what I make (some things have been missing quality control)

Things I should apologize for all at once:
- Lack of thanks for what I have been consuming
- Missed family meal times
- Overly moody or temperamental when hungry
- Spending so much time, over the past 43-Days, focusing on me
- The callus things I've said when my mouth moves before my heart does
- Future letdowns

Things I've learned over the past 43-Days:
- I've taken prayer time for granted
- Food aids in bonding
- I was not as spiritually centered as I thought
- I will never be as spiritually centered as I want
- Sometimes I try and make Jesus represent my beliefs / actions rather than myself glorifying his
- It's great that friends accept me for my faults, but in addition to returning the favor, I need to work to give them less that they have to accept
- Muscle mass leaves with fat
- On an empty stomach, a little Franks Hot Sauce for seasoning cause a lot of heart burn
- I'm a 36 waist anywhere from 187 LBS - 220 LBS... how does that work?
- Milkshakes and Beer are not as fun as they sound
- If you start a conversation with somebody, they go with it, at least for a while

Things I've known but reaffirmed over the past 43-Days
- If you look for God you can find him
- If you ask God for spiritual guidence, you'll get it
- I'm not always in control
- If I set my mind to a realistic goal I can achieve it
- Eating is awesome
- As with Beer, a deep fryer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy
- It's fun to be skinny
- I don't have all the answers
- Goals can become obsessive and require balance
- I have a great support team of family and friends
- I have a great wife

Some Interesting Statistics of the Past 43-Days:
- Total weight loss: 24-30 Lbs
- Total cans / servings of SlimFast: 172+
- Total ounces of V8: 2,064 oz (That's 129 LBS)
- Total number of protein shakes: 31

A List of Questionable Consumptions:
- Nearly anything from a "Straw Test" -  you get some serious chunks
- Peanut butter / Nutella off a butter knife
- Things off a spatula / cooking utensil: brownie batter, spaghetti sauce, taco sauce, cheese sauce, gravy

Things I Secretly Ate When Nobody Was Looking:
- NOTHING, NOTHING, NOTHING, NOTHING, NOTHING, NOTHING!
- I DID IT!!!!! 43-Days - No solids - it feels good.

Random Notes: Started the day at 187 Lbs, finished at 1,600 calories.

Day-42: The Fear of Achieving Your Goals

A friend, a person whom I hold in high regards, a person whom probably unrealized to them, I deeply value their opinion about me and work to live up to their expectations. This person whom I have accidentally and purposefully offended is a still a friend and not long ago made a comment about my liquid diet, along the line of: "wow, that is determination, you should be able to do anything now." 

"You should be able to do anything now" is scary because it is something that I will never live up to. As people, we have goals, whether public or private, that we will fall short of reaching.  From Day-1, I've stated that the diet would be easy.  To me the diet was like peeing my pants as a kid to force myself to jump in the lake, or telling the world that I'm going to run a marathon, so I'd start training. The diet is what gave me motivation to stay focused, inspiration to blog and the ability to search for whatever it is I'm looking for. The diet is placebo in nature, just around to help me achieve more significant goals and largely it has worked.

Day-42 contained a lot of thought, some good conversation and answers broad in nature. I don't know everything, but I know where I want to get to and I have a idea of how to get there - it's just not losing the map, compass or flashlight on the way, that will be hard.

I know I'm not what I ought to be. I am not yet what I want to be. I know what I hope to be. But still, I must THANK GOD, I am not what I used to be
 
Sometimes people fail purposefully, whether consciously or subconsciously, they know that they will fail. Many falls from a short pedestals is seemingly less dangerous or embarrassing than a long fall from a tall pedestal. If I often just miss a little, it is not as noticeable as one huge miss, so if I'm not at the top, most won't notice my fall.  I could not handle seeing God's plan for me, I don't think that I could bare the pressure of following though without failure, or the thought of not agreeing with it, or questioning it. Thankfully, God has not offered me a clear plan and as for now, prayer and trust are the best that I have and I'll that I need.

I thought a lot about what finishing my Lenten experience on a strong note meant for me and speculated what it would mean for others. Over the past 42-Days I've made my faith clear, goals and progress available, expectations known and now a fear public.  At times in the future, my mouth will get me in trouble, my sarcasm will burn people, my anger will bubble, I'll get confused about my place in life, I want to take change of something that I can't, I'll miss a witness and I'm sure I'll leave people scratching their head thinking "he's a Christian?".

When I fall short, there is no excuse, it will just be action that I'll regret and lesson that I remember.  We are taught that if we put our minds to anything we can do it. Though we are often not where we want to be, so obviously that logic has some inconsistencies.  Inconsistent or not, I don't see how staying focused is the wrong patch to follow.

I know who died for my sins and what that means to me, but before we meet, I'll again let him down and others too.  Not everything I do in my life will glorify God and it's upsetting, it's upsetting to know that failure will happen. Whether on a tiny or grand scale, failure is inevitable.  The light of perspective that this little Lenten experience sheds on the significance and certainty of future shortcomings is nerve racking.

But no bubble wrap, no security blanket of bubble wrap to insulate us from our failures. No modest goals, only shooting for the stars. A long term plan that has God in the center. And though Jesus died for my sins, I take my shortcomings seriously and grow from them and learn from them and hate them. It can be scary to achieve your goals, to realize meaning in success, to be correct, to have to have success again, but it is also how we reach out to others. It is also scary to fall short, but it is getting up from being knocked down and learning from our mistakes which makes us strong, and allows us to relate to others.  It is the combination of achievement and failure that teach us how, makes us relatable, and provide us with opportunity to be an example and to spread God's love. 

"This guy's walking down the street when he falls in a hole. The walls are so steep he can't get out. 
"A doctor passes by and the guy shouts up, 'Hey you. Can you help me out?' The doctor writes a prescription, throws it down in the hole and moves on. 
"Then a priest comes along and the guy shouts up, 'Father, I'm down in this hole can you help me out?' The priest writes out a prayer, throws it down in the hole and moves on 
"Then a friend walks by, 'Hey, Joe, it's me can you help me out?' And the friend jumps in the hole. 
Our guy says, 'Are you stupid? Now we're both down here.' The friend says, 'Yeah, but I've been down here before and I know the way out."

42-Days into this and overtime is not just worth it, but made it worth while.

Random Notes: Started the day at 188 lbs, finished around 1700 calories. Dinner on Day-44, here I come!  

Day-41: Country Music Is Like Oatmeal

Country Music is like oatmeal, even when you don't want it, it is good for your heart. 

I love Country Music; it is without question, my favorite genre of music. That's not to say that there is not bad country music, stereotypical country music or years that country music fans would like to forget, I just enjoy it. For the record I also enjoy: the Beatles, classic rock, 90's & 00's alt rock, bubblegum pop, one hit wonders and that weird sunscreen song (click here). Heck, even download John Mayer from Napster, in 2000, when he was trying to get famous by sounding like and at the same time mocking DMB, but I feel most comfortable with Country Music.

On Monday, I was listing to country music, while driving, which is rare because typically I listen to audio books. While I was listening to it, it made me smile, just a normal happy smile. I liked that smile because there was nothing behind it, nothing specific driving it, just a good mood.

I was worried about Monday. Worried that I would want to eat, worried that I would eat, worried that it would be a stressful day, worried that I would resent Day-41. The day was the opposite: work went fine, kids were everything they should be, lifted weights with a neighbor, drank beer with a friend and had some good chicken soup broth. It was such a easy going day that Country Music made me smile, for no particular reason. In truth, I could have used more Day-41's during Lent.

Overtime isn't bad. I'm still searching for answers and working on a better me. I've narrowed my search and feeling good about what I'm doing. While complete clarity isn't likely to occur in the next 72-hours I do feel something significant coming.

Random Notes: Started the day at 189 lbs and lost the calorie count after 2 bowls of soup broth and 60 oz of Budweiser.

Day-40: I Still Don't Understand Why I am Not Yet Done

For the last time, I don't understand why some people start Lent on Ash Wednesday. I mean, I've read the Wiki, I know what it tells me, I just find it silly. Sacrifices should not get breaks and 46 does not equal 40, next year my my Lent is ending on Day-40!

The great thing about Church is the inspiration one can achieve while being there. Amazingly the same can be said for McDonalds, the mall, a quick lube, work, a family gathering, the movies, just about anyplace, people just tend to be looking for, hoping to find, waiting for inspiration at Church. Today, my inspiration was not generated by message, but afterward when Beth and I were chatting with another couple. To water down and over summarize, our friend told us she read an article that suggested doing something for others, as your Lenten sacrifice. I liked that idea, the thought of  diligently doing something specific for others, for 40-Days. Beth has a crazy work schedule, so her immediate idea was sending a letter a day, letters from friends always make me smile.  Not that it matters all that much, technically I have about 340 days before I need to decide.  I could argue that my blog is outward focused, but it would be a farce.  I blog for me, if nobody read it, I'd still blog.  I blog to help hold me accountable, I do it to focus some thoughts, I do it because I smile each time I publish the post.  I think that I'll just work on being outwardly focused as part of my MO and not restrict it to Lent.

Today was a great Sunday. Morning with the boys, a solid message at Church, dinner with Beth's family, a dirt bike ride, quiet time during the boys nap time, a run on the elliptical, cooking shows and blogging. May not be "easy like Sunday morning" but a wonderful Sunday nonetheless. 

I'm worried about tomorrow. I truly fear that tomorrow will be the mentally toughest day. I've done 40-Days, tomorrow is Day-41. It's like overtime, I think I'm going to have to dig deep. I want to finish on a strong note, I want to get the most I can out of the next 4-Days. If I were done today I would not be disappointed with the growth I've made, but I know progress will be continued. 

Random Notes: Started the day at 189, not sure on the calorie count. Where would you eat if you have not had solids in about 44-Days?

Day-39: The Final Stretch

The marathon is winding down, the end of the race just around the corner and I'm sick of Slimfast and V8. Yes I know, Jesus had neither V8 or Slimfast and suffered desert conditions, but I'm not the son of God. At times I may be ego driven, but I am realistic and believe that I have a fair understanding in my universal pecking order position, very middle of the pack. 

It is interesting how things change over 39-Days. How things become habitual, how thought process differ, how things that have been taken for granted are not longer ignored or lessened in nature. I won't continue my 40 Day's of Liquid blog past Easter but I enjoy writing and may try my fingers at that. I've never taken food lightly and will be glad to have it again.  The differences I've noticed in my perspective on myself continue to evolve. I still have moments and conversations that are fueled by sarcasm and always will, but they are less extreme and less frequent. I enjoy the self-reflection and think my life has been missing that.  The blog will be ending but the reflection that fuels the blog will not. I'm enjoying being a little skinnier; I wasn't unhappy with my body 39-Days ago, but will work to not be back near the starting weight, at least during bathing suit season. I enjoy talking with others about God and how we work to balance our relationship with him, to glorify him and not fall pray to being a zealot. I still enjoy cooking, Day-39 contained scratch brownies :)

I also take my shortcomings more seriously.  When I'd come up short I'd often find myself saying "well, that's how I am, just deal with it and accept me for it."  Thankfully, friends and family have accepted me for my shortcomings.  Hopefully, the future provides less things to accept. I'm trying to stop shortcomings before they happens: foot-in-month, anger, sarcasm, annoyance, teasing, pretension - all things I've made progress with and all things to continue to work on. 

Random Notes: Started the day at 193 Lbs, 4-Beers before bed don't flush out so quickly, finished around 1,900 calories.