Day-45: A Pop Quiz Before Dinner?

Largely, Day-45's entry is about the evening of Day-44. 

It is true, my fast is over, the liquids are once again washing down solids and not replacing them. Beth and I enjoyed a wonderful evening on Thursday, though not before I was given a pop quiz.

Actually, it was more like a test, one last little challenge to remind me that I'm not in charge and will always have room for improvement.

A little background:

Beth and I decided to celebrate my eating in grand fashion. Attend the Maunday Thursday service at Church, dinner at the Six One Six, desert in the Chop House basement lounge, overnight in the Amway Hotel and take Friday off work to spend it together.

For preparation I had arranged for my mom to spend the night with the boys, booked a room at the Amway, cleared my Friday schedule, setup friends to meet us for desert and checked with the Pastor, so I knew what would be a safe time for dinner reservations, before I called the Six One Six.  I had everything planed, we were on schedule, I was in control and happy and excited and sure that it was how life is intended to be.

I was wrong. The Maundy Thursday service was as advertised: somber, though provoking, emotional and best of all on pace to have us out the door by 8:00 pm. Around 7:50 pm we started Holy Communion; the Body of Christ was going to be the first food my teeth chewed in 44-Days, it was the moment I had been waiting for and I nearly blew it.

To commemorate the Last Supper our Pastor had each row of pews released individually, as a row we made its way to the front, the Pastor had a moment of quiet prayer for that row.  Beth and I were sitting in the last row of pews and as I watched, I counted how a long it took for a row to be released, prayed upon and receive communion; about four-minutes before returning back to one's seat.  My annoyance bubbled, my skin flushed, I ground my teeth, breathed heavily, and actually started sweating.

I mean, I called the Pastor and he personally told me that we'd be done by 8:00 pm. This isn't fair, this isn't how it is supposed to go. Why are they praying so long? Why are they walking so slow?

I was in funk; Beth put her arm over my shoulder and told me it would be okay, I growled back through gritted teeth, "It's ruined, it's all ruined". The worst part was that I was being selfish and knew it. I was so upset about being upset, I feared that I had ruined everything that I had worked towards, that I had ruined the evening, that I had not learned anything, that I had let myself, Beth and those who've been supporting me down.

After a few more minutes of stewing and contemplating just leaving, our pew was released for the front. While walking forward a wave and guilt for the last twenty minutes swept over me. As we got to the front, circled around our Pastor, put our arms over one another's shoulders and started to receive the prayer my heart cried and eyes followed suit. As we moved to the next station to receive Communion, I knew how meaningless the time waiting for my turn truly was and why I was seated in the last row of pews.  Then, when chewing the bread that was the Body of Christ, I knew that I has just learned one last lesson for Lent.

For the record the Church service was great and the manner in which Communion was executed was perfect.

Beth and I hit the parking lot and were on the road to dinner at 8:18 pm. We arrived at the restaurant at 8:32 pm and our meal was a nice one, desert with great-friends was perfect, and sleeping in to not be awoke by little ones is everything it should be and more.  Chewing bread, sushi, french fries, olives, steak, fish, cheeses, potato chips - is what I had been missing for the past 44-Days.

Random Notes: The hotel room didn't have a scale but when checked about about 3:00 pm in the afternoon I was 194 lbs and the calorie count was definitely lost.  For those worrying about my digestive system, only a little gas and stomach wrenches as it readjusted to processing solid foods.

Day-44: My First Meal in 44-Days is Just Hours Away

Yes, Hours Away!

Beth and I are having dinner at the Six One Six, a fine dinning restaurant at the JW Marriott, but that won't be my first meal.

If you recall, a couple weeks back I decided to have my first meal on Maundy Thursday, a day on the Christian calendar for when Jesus celebrated his Last Supper, with his disciples. It was a meal that Jesus partook in knowing full well that one of the 12 had already betrayed him, and that the remaining 11 would abandon him, if only temporarily. In addition to starting the prophecy that proves who Jesus was, the Last Supper show us the dedication, fearlessness, understanding, compassion and faith a person must have when following their path.

While I'm eating tonight to time it with Jesus' Last Supper, my first meal will actually be the body of Christ at communion. I'm effected by communion differently, where sometimes it means more to me than others. Sometimes it is just hard to appreciate the magnitude of what communion represents or to focus on the moment. I hoping and suspecting that I will not lack focus nor appreciation tonight.  

For now, a night that I've been waiting 44-Days to enjoy is nearly upon me and I'm excited.

Random Notes: Started the day at 187 lbs, I'm at 800 calories as I write this but am guessing to finish around 3200 by the night's end.

Day-43: As with Beer, A Deep Fryer is Proof that God Loves Us and Wants Us To Be Happy

43-Days into not eating solids and I'm getting anxious. I'm eating dinner on Day-44 and it cannot come soon enough. For the meantime below are some lists that you mind find interesting.

Things that I plan on consuming in the first 48-Hours of eating solids:
- A Medium Rare Steak
- Fresh Baked Bread
- Hard Cheese
- Crunchy Veggies
- Baked, Mashed or French Fry Potatoes
- An Apple
- A Pickle
- Salt and Pepper Chips
- A Cesar Salad
- Pizza
- Olives
- An Ultimate Porker from Jimmy Johns
- Biscuits and Gravy
- Popcorn
- Goldfish Crackers
- Sky Martini, Up, Extra Stuffed Olives
- Absolute Bloody Mary, Extra Garnish
- Beer

Things I will not consume before Monday, April 25th:
- Slimfast
- V8 of any variety
- Protein Shakes
- Campbell's Soup At A Hand

Things I've missed that are not specifically food:
- Prayer at meal times, I just grab a can of something and drink it and don't think of giving thanks
- Snacking with Beth while sitting together on the couch
- Letting my boys shove food in my mouth (they find it funny, I find it cute)
- Tasting what I make (some things have been missing quality control)

Things I should apologize for all at once:
- Lack of thanks for what I have been consuming
- Missed family meal times
- Overly moody or temperamental when hungry
- Spending so much time, over the past 43-Days, focusing on me
- The callus things I've said when my mouth moves before my heart does
- Future letdowns

Things I've learned over the past 43-Days:
- I've taken prayer time for granted
- Food aids in bonding
- I was not as spiritually centered as I thought
- I will never be as spiritually centered as I want
- Sometimes I try and make Jesus represent my beliefs / actions rather than myself glorifying his
- It's great that friends accept me for my faults, but in addition to returning the favor, I need to work to give them less that they have to accept
- Muscle mass leaves with fat
- On an empty stomach, a little Franks Hot Sauce for seasoning cause a lot of heart burn
- I'm a 36 waist anywhere from 187 LBS - 220 LBS... how does that work?
- Milkshakes and Beer are not as fun as they sound
- If you start a conversation with somebody, they go with it, at least for a while

Things I've known but reaffirmed over the past 43-Days
- If you look for God you can find him
- If you ask God for spiritual guidence, you'll get it
- I'm not always in control
- If I set my mind to a realistic goal I can achieve it
- Eating is awesome
- As with Beer, a deep fryer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy
- It's fun to be skinny
- I don't have all the answers
- Goals can become obsessive and require balance
- I have a great support team of family and friends
- I have a great wife

Some Interesting Statistics of the Past 43-Days:
- Total weight loss: 24-30 Lbs
- Total cans / servings of SlimFast: 172+
- Total ounces of V8: 2,064 oz (That's 129 LBS)
- Total number of protein shakes: 31

A List of Questionable Consumptions:
- Nearly anything from a "Straw Test" -  you get some serious chunks
- Peanut butter / Nutella off a butter knife
- Things off a spatula / cooking utensil: brownie batter, spaghetti sauce, taco sauce, cheese sauce, gravy

Things I Secretly Ate When Nobody Was Looking:
- NOTHING, NOTHING, NOTHING, NOTHING, NOTHING, NOTHING!
- I DID IT!!!!! 43-Days - No solids - it feels good.

Random Notes: Started the day at 187 Lbs, finished at 1,600 calories.

Day-42: The Fear of Achieving Your Goals

A friend, a person whom I hold in high regards, a person whom probably unrealized to them, I deeply value their opinion about me and work to live up to their expectations. This person whom I have accidentally and purposefully offended is a still a friend and not long ago made a comment about my liquid diet, along the line of: "wow, that is determination, you should be able to do anything now." 

"You should be able to do anything now" is scary because it is something that I will never live up to. As people, we have goals, whether public or private, that we will fall short of reaching.  From Day-1, I've stated that the diet would be easy.  To me the diet was like peeing my pants as a kid to force myself to jump in the lake, or telling the world that I'm going to run a marathon, so I'd start training. The diet is what gave me motivation to stay focused, inspiration to blog and the ability to search for whatever it is I'm looking for. The diet is placebo in nature, just around to help me achieve more significant goals and largely it has worked.

Day-42 contained a lot of thought, some good conversation and answers broad in nature. I don't know everything, but I know where I want to get to and I have a idea of how to get there - it's just not losing the map, compass or flashlight on the way, that will be hard.

I know I'm not what I ought to be. I am not yet what I want to be. I know what I hope to be. But still, I must THANK GOD, I am not what I used to be
 
Sometimes people fail purposefully, whether consciously or subconsciously, they know that they will fail. Many falls from a short pedestals is seemingly less dangerous or embarrassing than a long fall from a tall pedestal. If I often just miss a little, it is not as noticeable as one huge miss, so if I'm not at the top, most won't notice my fall.  I could not handle seeing God's plan for me, I don't think that I could bare the pressure of following though without failure, or the thought of not agreeing with it, or questioning it. Thankfully, God has not offered me a clear plan and as for now, prayer and trust are the best that I have and I'll that I need.

I thought a lot about what finishing my Lenten experience on a strong note meant for me and speculated what it would mean for others. Over the past 42-Days I've made my faith clear, goals and progress available, expectations known and now a fear public.  At times in the future, my mouth will get me in trouble, my sarcasm will burn people, my anger will bubble, I'll get confused about my place in life, I want to take change of something that I can't, I'll miss a witness and I'm sure I'll leave people scratching their head thinking "he's a Christian?".

When I fall short, there is no excuse, it will just be action that I'll regret and lesson that I remember.  We are taught that if we put our minds to anything we can do it. Though we are often not where we want to be, so obviously that logic has some inconsistencies.  Inconsistent or not, I don't see how staying focused is the wrong patch to follow.

I know who died for my sins and what that means to me, but before we meet, I'll again let him down and others too.  Not everything I do in my life will glorify God and it's upsetting, it's upsetting to know that failure will happen. Whether on a tiny or grand scale, failure is inevitable.  The light of perspective that this little Lenten experience sheds on the significance and certainty of future shortcomings is nerve racking.

But no bubble wrap, no security blanket of bubble wrap to insulate us from our failures. No modest goals, only shooting for the stars. A long term plan that has God in the center. And though Jesus died for my sins, I take my shortcomings seriously and grow from them and learn from them and hate them. It can be scary to achieve your goals, to realize meaning in success, to be correct, to have to have success again, but it is also how we reach out to others. It is also scary to fall short, but it is getting up from being knocked down and learning from our mistakes which makes us strong, and allows us to relate to others.  It is the combination of achievement and failure that teach us how, makes us relatable, and provide us with opportunity to be an example and to spread God's love. 

"This guy's walking down the street when he falls in a hole. The walls are so steep he can't get out. 
"A doctor passes by and the guy shouts up, 'Hey you. Can you help me out?' The doctor writes a prescription, throws it down in the hole and moves on. 
"Then a priest comes along and the guy shouts up, 'Father, I'm down in this hole can you help me out?' The priest writes out a prayer, throws it down in the hole and moves on 
"Then a friend walks by, 'Hey, Joe, it's me can you help me out?' And the friend jumps in the hole. 
Our guy says, 'Are you stupid? Now we're both down here.' The friend says, 'Yeah, but I've been down here before and I know the way out."

42-Days into this and overtime is not just worth it, but made it worth while.

Random Notes: Started the day at 188 lbs, finished around 1700 calories. Dinner on Day-44, here I come!  

Day-41: Country Music Is Like Oatmeal

Country Music is like oatmeal, even when you don't want it, it is good for your heart. 

I love Country Music; it is without question, my favorite genre of music. That's not to say that there is not bad country music, stereotypical country music or years that country music fans would like to forget, I just enjoy it. For the record I also enjoy: the Beatles, classic rock, 90's & 00's alt rock, bubblegum pop, one hit wonders and that weird sunscreen song (click here). Heck, even download John Mayer from Napster, in 2000, when he was trying to get famous by sounding like and at the same time mocking DMB, but I feel most comfortable with Country Music.

On Monday, I was listing to country music, while driving, which is rare because typically I listen to audio books. While I was listening to it, it made me smile, just a normal happy smile. I liked that smile because there was nothing behind it, nothing specific driving it, just a good mood.

I was worried about Monday. Worried that I would want to eat, worried that I would eat, worried that it would be a stressful day, worried that I would resent Day-41. The day was the opposite: work went fine, kids were everything they should be, lifted weights with a neighbor, drank beer with a friend and had some good chicken soup broth. It was such a easy going day that Country Music made me smile, for no particular reason. In truth, I could have used more Day-41's during Lent.

Overtime isn't bad. I'm still searching for answers and working on a better me. I've narrowed my search and feeling good about what I'm doing. While complete clarity isn't likely to occur in the next 72-hours I do feel something significant coming.

Random Notes: Started the day at 189 lbs and lost the calorie count after 2 bowls of soup broth and 60 oz of Budweiser.

Day-40: I Still Don't Understand Why I am Not Yet Done

For the last time, I don't understand why some people start Lent on Ash Wednesday. I mean, I've read the Wiki, I know what it tells me, I just find it silly. Sacrifices should not get breaks and 46 does not equal 40, next year my my Lent is ending on Day-40!

The great thing about Church is the inspiration one can achieve while being there. Amazingly the same can be said for McDonalds, the mall, a quick lube, work, a family gathering, the movies, just about anyplace, people just tend to be looking for, hoping to find, waiting for inspiration at Church. Today, my inspiration was not generated by message, but afterward when Beth and I were chatting with another couple. To water down and over summarize, our friend told us she read an article that suggested doing something for others, as your Lenten sacrifice. I liked that idea, the thought of  diligently doing something specific for others, for 40-Days. Beth has a crazy work schedule, so her immediate idea was sending a letter a day, letters from friends always make me smile.  Not that it matters all that much, technically I have about 340 days before I need to decide.  I could argue that my blog is outward focused, but it would be a farce.  I blog for me, if nobody read it, I'd still blog.  I blog to help hold me accountable, I do it to focus some thoughts, I do it because I smile each time I publish the post.  I think that I'll just work on being outwardly focused as part of my MO and not restrict it to Lent.

Today was a great Sunday. Morning with the boys, a solid message at Church, dinner with Beth's family, a dirt bike ride, quiet time during the boys nap time, a run on the elliptical, cooking shows and blogging. May not be "easy like Sunday morning" but a wonderful Sunday nonetheless. 

I'm worried about tomorrow. I truly fear that tomorrow will be the mentally toughest day. I've done 40-Days, tomorrow is Day-41. It's like overtime, I think I'm going to have to dig deep. I want to finish on a strong note, I want to get the most I can out of the next 4-Days. If I were done today I would not be disappointed with the growth I've made, but I know progress will be continued. 

Random Notes: Started the day at 189, not sure on the calorie count. Where would you eat if you have not had solids in about 44-Days?

Day-39: The Final Stretch

The marathon is winding down, the end of the race just around the corner and I'm sick of Slimfast and V8. Yes I know, Jesus had neither V8 or Slimfast and suffered desert conditions, but I'm not the son of God. At times I may be ego driven, but I am realistic and believe that I have a fair understanding in my universal pecking order position, very middle of the pack. 

It is interesting how things change over 39-Days. How things become habitual, how thought process differ, how things that have been taken for granted are not longer ignored or lessened in nature. I won't continue my 40 Day's of Liquid blog past Easter but I enjoy writing and may try my fingers at that. I've never taken food lightly and will be glad to have it again.  The differences I've noticed in my perspective on myself continue to evolve. I still have moments and conversations that are fueled by sarcasm and always will, but they are less extreme and less frequent. I enjoy the self-reflection and think my life has been missing that.  The blog will be ending but the reflection that fuels the blog will not. I'm enjoying being a little skinnier; I wasn't unhappy with my body 39-Days ago, but will work to not be back near the starting weight, at least during bathing suit season. I enjoy talking with others about God and how we work to balance our relationship with him, to glorify him and not fall pray to being a zealot. I still enjoy cooking, Day-39 contained scratch brownies :)

I also take my shortcomings more seriously.  When I'd come up short I'd often find myself saying "well, that's how I am, just deal with it and accept me for it."  Thankfully, friends and family have accepted me for my shortcomings.  Hopefully, the future provides less things to accept. I'm trying to stop shortcomings before they happens: foot-in-month, anger, sarcasm, annoyance, teasing, pretension - all things I've made progress with and all things to continue to work on. 

Random Notes: Started the day at 193 Lbs, 4-Beers before bed don't flush out so quickly, finished around 1,900 calories.

Day-38: April's Showers Will Always Bring Flowers

I know that the actual rhyme is "April showers bring May Flowers" but we are still some time from May and it just didn't fit.  Thursday contained some rain clouds but it allowed for things to grow on Friday.

Friday was a day that started good and ended even better. Productive for work, a good conversation with a future friend, enjoyable time with the family and a restful nights sleep, the only thing that was missing was a fully belly. Lent is starting to wind down, I'll be at 40-Days on Sunday, though not done with sacrifice until Thursday Evening. 

Just for clarification, Beth and I are going out for dinner on Thursday evening. The reason that I'm choosing to eat on Thursday is to coordinate my first supper with Jesus' Last Supper. I'm still confused as why some denominations commemorate a 40-Day journey with a 46-Day season.

Anyway, I'm thinking that the next 5-Days are going to be mentally and physically rough.

Random Notes: Started the day at 189 Lbs, finished around 1900 calories.

Day-37: Not Always Our Best Moments

No funny stories, no link to Youtube, no posted scripture, just an entry.

Thursday was not such a terrible day, work has been good this week, our boys were well behaved and I got to see some creative, talented art displays from some of GVSU's finest. With no real complaints of course it only takes something small to ruin it.

Some unfriendly words, some irritable moods, a short temper and the desire to sulk; everything needed to put a damper on your evening. What happens in the mind is simple, sacrifice of something you enjoy, plus some life stress, plus any excuse to get your goat going and you willingly take it.  I don't know if it is just human nature or something greater like the Devil working against me. The cause of the downward spiral is like the distance to Jupiter, I can put facts to the situation but not really understand them. Unsurprisingly, the frustration, the sulk, the anger, it all made me want to eat; it made me want a cheeseburger.

Thankfully, I didn't eat.  Thankfully, I married Beth.  Thankfully, when Beth and I argue it doesn't linger and we can talk through it. Thankfully, Thursday didn't end with a sulk. Thankfully, I get it eat dinner 7-Days from today.

Random Notes: Started the day at 190 Lbs, finished the day around 1700 calories.

Day-36: Not So Fast

Get it? "Not So Fast", because Day-35 talked about my funk and I was going to do a total fasting on Day-37, if I couldn't get out of the funk. Well, I was correct, yea me, all it took was a conversation.

Truth be told, I was a bit worried. Day-35 was a very enjoyable day, it contained some disappointment which I was able to role with and redirect.  The work day ended up being very productive, but at 8:00 PM it was lacking that "it" factor I was looking for. Thankfully, a brief chat with some neighbors and nice chat with Beth helped to clear the funk from my head.

It amazes me that after 7.5 years, a twenty-minute conversation with your spouse can still leave you smiling because you fill like you understand or appreciate each other, just a little more than you did twenty-minutes prior.  It wasn't that our conversation was extraordinarily deep, just that we are able to speculate a little, about what what our future holds and how we will handle the things to come.  Things that we didn't think about 3, 4, 5 years ago we think about now, things that might have sacred us in the past are exciting for the future.

Last night was another step towards mental clarity and understanding what my future holds. I don't expect that 43-Days of liquids is the key to showing me all my answers, but as aged motivational speaker Zig Ziglar says "You gotta have goals!" and it is seeming as that achieving the goal of no solids is going to lead towards more goals for the future.

Jesus' plans for us are rarely clear. I know numerous people that have done things because they felt directed by the Lord and had outcomes that they did not see coming. That isn't to say they interpreted the Lord's direction incorrectly but that their mission is not over. In real time, life is rarely meant for us to understand and more for us to just "do".  We need specific things to work towards, a clear direction, that carrot to make us keep moving forward.  The goals that we set out for can't be sought by tunnel vision, we have to be aware of what is also going on, what might need our attention. If you to be financially sound working 100-Hours a week would be a good start, but it wouldn't leave time for family, friends, hobbies, a beer and a smile. With our goals and plans must come balance and flexibility.

The future Beth and I talked about was goal oriented, but would contain change and adaption.  The plans will probably not play out how we'd prefer but it does not mean that we will not enjoy what we are left with.

Jabez from 1 Chronicles 4:9-10 had goals and he turned towards God for help with them: 

Jabez cried out to the God of Israel, “Oh, that you would bless me and enlarge my territory! Let your hand be with me, and keep me from harm so that I will be free from pain.” And God granted his request.
1 Chronicles 4:10

That's roughly all we know about Jabez. We don't know how big his enlarged territory was or what pain he was free from, all we know that is that he asked for God's help and received it. Sometimes just knowing that it is possible is the only help we need. While I may love to have a detailed map of my future, hindsight will provide all the clarity that I truly need.  

Random Notes: Started the day at 190 lbs and finished around 2,000 calories.

Day-35: Part 5 of Things I've Been Tempted To Shove Down My Taste Hole

FALSE ADVERTISING

Sorry - I have not been tempted to eat solids for weeks. While the idea of eating is enjoyable, Beth and I have started to plan my first meal back on solids, I'm not going to eat before then. I have wanted to eat  many things:
- Chips
- Deep Fried Pickles
- Buffalo Wings
- Crackers
- Spice Crackers
- Hot Dogs
- An Apple
- Taquitos
- A Burger
- Pizza
- Well, you get the idea.

More than I need solid foods, I need focus. I'm actually leaning towards an old fashioned fasting to help with focus. I've never done a fast for focus but unless something clicks tomorrow I don't know what else to do. I'm not going to spend the next eight days revving in neutral, I'm not where I want to be, where I had hoped to be at the end of Lent, drastic measures might be in order.

I will always have room for self-improvement; I have no visions of grandeur for myself, for the end of Lent. However, I have set mental goals of sorts and hope to achieve them. Reaching where I want to be, continuing to become who I want to be is important to me. I do not want to spend the next eight days just getting skinnier.

Side note - To get current with my blog, tonight is a double entry evening. I didn't know that while I'm typing Day-35, Beth was reading Day-34 on her phone. I just looked at her and said "I'm in a mental funk", she replied "I just read that, I can't believe you've been doing this for 33-Days". The thought made me smile and I said "I know, that's effing crazy (I use the word 'effing' and not what it implies)." Beth smiled - despite being in a funk, this is a bit of a wild ride.

Anyway, before I have to start skipping all calories I'm going conversation hunting. I'm think it will be a conversation that gets my mind and focus back in gear, but I may be wrong and my hunting season is only 24 hours long. 35-Days has been interesting but is not complete. Progress needs to restart.

Random Notes: Started the day 192 lbs, will finish around 1800 calories.

Day-34: Lost Inspiration

34-Days into my liquid diet and here are some things that I know:
- Jesus didn't have Slimfast
- I miss solids
- 40-Days ago I should have bought stock in V8 & Slimfast
- I weigh less
- My primary objective still is not to lose weight
- Cooking is still enjoyable
- Beth doesn't like that I sometimes go a week without shaving
- My son's have no sympathy that I can't eat solids
- I'm starting to dream about things like buffalo chicken wings
- It is gratifying to know that people actually read my blog

34-Days into my liquid diet and here are some things that I feel / believe:
- Taking Lent seriously has improved my relationship with Jesus
- I will probably never miss the taste of tomatoes ever again
- By the end of Lent I will not have a earth shaking revelation
- Most people will not notice a difference in me, beyond a skinner me
- It only matters that I notice the spiritual / social / personal difference
- What I'm doing is inspiring others, at least in some minor way

34-Days into my liquid diet and here are some things that I fear:
- That all progress I've made disappear like the weight loss is destined to
- That at the end of Lent I'll be as confused as when I started
- That will not have inspired any onlookers
- I will have missed my spiritual target
- That I've wasted 43-Days of family meal time

It is mentally hard losing inspiration. I'm not in fear of eating, by now a liquid diet is routine. I'm just not having the mental clarity or focus that I had two weeks ago.  The mental and spiritual enthusiasm is lacking, the conversations have not been as deep or aggressive as I'd like and I'm just going through the motions.  As with any regiment, there are lulls in the progress, apparently I'm in mine.  When exercising, lulls are common. In college, with wrestling, lulls happened and the recipe for getting out of the funk is never the same. A coaches talk, a teammate's encouragement, a serious ass-kicking, an extra workout, a day off, winning a match, losing a match; the solution is different for different people at different times. I'm not sure what my solution will be to focus me for the next nine days, but I'm looking for it.

Random Notes: Started the day at 192 Lbs, finished around 1900 calories. On the plus side, I lifted with a neighbor; sadly, it did not help my funk.

Day-33: Easy Like Sunday Morning

It starts simple – turn oven on to preheat at 400 degrees, open package of bacon, place singularly on cookie sheets and set in oven.  Take three potatoes:  peal, dice into 1/4” cubes, place in bowl with a little water and microwave for two minutes. While potatoes prebake, heat olive oil and tbsp of butter in a large pan.  Finely dice 1/5 an onion and toss in oil to brown. Once potatoes are done, drain water and dump into pan, toss in the oil, add cracked pepper, seasoning salt and some garlic powder. Cover the pan and turn the heat down to med-low. Crack three eggs into a bowl, add two tbsp of milk, 1/2 tsp of water, some salt, cracked pepper and beat together. Pour eggs into previously heated, buttered pan, cook light and fluffy. Occasionally check on the bacon, pour excess bacon grease into potatoes. Bake bacon to liking. While bacon is cooling, uncover and drain excess liquid from potatoes. Turn heat on potatoes to med-high, crisp on one side, toss and crisp on other side. Put potatoes, bacon and eggs on a plate... watch my family eat it.

Sunday came and went without me eating solids. It was a great Sunday, we were at my parents, the boys where happy, the dog was happy, Beth was happy - which makes me very happy! Between the mudslide milkshake from the night before and the ease of pace of the following morning, life was good. The one thing that was missing from yesterday morning was Church. There are some lines of thought that a distraction that keeps one from church is bad thing. I can't relate that all things keeping one from Church is evil, nor do I believe it.

Nowadays, life is busy. The kids, work, hobbies, friends, the house, things add up, it is hard to get together with family that is a couple hours drive. I know that the gateway to heaven is not based on pew attendance and I can't imagine that my Father is going to hold it against me, for spending as much time with my papa, that our calendar allows. I enjoy going Church and I do feel spiritually refreshed after attending a service.  However the acceptable excuses for missing a service can be enjoyable, sick self / kids being one of the unpleasant one's, Sunday mornings in your childhood home being a nice one.

Random Notes: Starting weight ????, ending calories, ???? (Had a marshmallow caramel milkshake for dinner)

Day-32: If it fits through a straw, Jesus loves me!

Yesterday, my family got together at my brothers house, to celebrate his third daughter's first birthday.  It is always great to see family, the only serious issue is that the events are always stocked with taste hole stuffing food. This particular gathering featured: homemade cookies, gooey-sugar-caramel-bar thingies, a cream cheese dip with Greek salad toppings, Doritos, kosher dill pickles and a Jimmy John party platter. If this gathering would have been around Day-10 - not eating solids would have been a challenge and I might have caved.  

Over the course of conversation with my siblings, which is always an event of its own, we talked about Lent and how I've been doing with it. We talked some about the spiritual aspect, the weight loss and my silly self-imposed rules.  A little levity oversimplified those rules: "If it fits through a straw, Jesus loves me!"

The fact is - Jesus loves all of us, no matter what I eat, drink or do, he will always love me. Jesus' love is unconditional, and my actions cannot increase or decrease that love. The only things my actions can do or not do is glorify and exemplify that love.  As I've said before, one of the fundamental ideas behind Christianity is to spread it to others, the way we act helps to spread the love of Jesus.  A  straw is not necessary for Jesus' love, but the straw is a good conversation starter, for sharing his love.

Example: When ordering chicken soup broth at the bar later that night, I explained to the waitress what I was doing, she replied "Wow, you must really love Jesus." It was cool because I did get to gleefully acknowledge my love for Jesus, and briefly chat about the subject as she checked in on our table.   

That's a witness, not a stereotypical, "here's a Bible, read it, Jesus loves you and you need him witness" but a real life witness.  It is the type of opportunity that we are often presented with and need to capitalize on. That waitress may not remember me, but she will remember "that guy" who wasn't eating solids and wanted broth.  One can never be certain that the seed with take, but putting it in the ground is the correct first step. 


Random Notes: Started the day at 192 Lbs, but the soup broth and "Mud Slide Milkshake" made the calorie count unclear.

Day-31: Friday on Sunday... I'm a slow learner

... at least sometimes, on some things, I learn slow.  Now on Sunday and I have to try to remember my Friday. Again, the broad strokes of the day are simple enough.
- Alarm goes off at 5:45 AM
- Help Beth to be on the road by 6:45 AM
- Watch boys until 8:50 AM, drop off with Aunt Sarah
- Drive to St. Joseph, spend two hours looking at the plans for a 42,000 SQFT office building
- Head to the office for a few hours
- Pick up the boys, go to the bank, Happy Meals from McDonald's
- Play with the boys outside till Beth gets home
- Go pick up the baby sitter
- Go see Arthur with Beth, Robert & Stephanie, do not eat popcorn
- Stop for Beer on the way home
- Beth takes sitter home
- 11:15 PM, we go to bed

Noting that exciting, but it did contain a lot of motion.  Despite having to drive to St. Joseph and back (about 2.5 Hours total), I didn't do much soul searing behind the wheel. I made some work calls, thought about work and listened to a book on CD.

What's frustrating is that there were a few moments on Friday that left me thinking to myself, "I'll add that to today's blog." On Saturday morning, when blogging about Thursday, the details from Friday were still in my head and I was happy that I was going to be able to note them later that day, when I blogged about Friday. Now, it is Sunday, the ideas from Friday are just a lingering memory of something that should have been. 

Lesson of the day: Write ideas down on notes so that they are available to blog with later.

Random notes: Started the day at 193 lbs, finished around 1,900 calories.

Day-30: Hard To Think About Thursday On Saturday...

I mean, I can tell you the broad strokes of Thursday:
- Up at 6:45 AM (Beth worked from home so we got to sleep in a hour)
- Had a lot of Slimfast & V8, fruit juice, some pureed homemade chili (a wonderful change of pace), a Stella Artois from a can, a Oberon, and a Miller High Life
- I worked late
- I did not work out
- I went out for drink with some friends
- I was in bed about 11:00pm

But I can't remember the little details and 36-hours later, I can't tell you if I had any deep spiritual insight. I know that I did not eat solids and I'm pretty sure that I did not digress in any of the other little tenants I'm working on, other than reflection.

By waiting until Saturday Morning to blog about Thursday, I did learn that there is a difference between taking time for reflection or thought and just being forgetful. I know that some situations, events of magnitude, time can add perspective but when I'm try to dissect the details of a day, 36-Hours is pushing acceptability.  At least by not blogging it helped to reinforce the significance of being diligent with my blogs. 

Anyway, apparently Thursday was fairly uneventful for my journey, but I could have I missed something, at this point I just don't know...

Random Notes: Started the day at 193 lbs, not sure where the calorie count was.

Day-29: A Soft Pastry, A Chi Town Wizard and Not The Hot Dog One

If you're wondering what a Soft Pastry, a Chi Town Wizard and Not The Hot Dog One have in common:

It's Faith:

Limp Bizkit, Harry Dresden (Flagship Character of Author Jim Butcher) and Hebrews 11:1

Limp Bizket (I know George Michael wrote it):  Yes, I've gotta have faith. I gotta have faith. Because I got to have faith, faith, faith. I gotta have faith, faith, faith.

Harry Dresden in "Changes": "And faith isn't about perfect attendance to services, or how much money you put on the little plate. It isn't about going skyclad to the Holy Rites, or meditating each day upon the divine. Faith is about what you do. It's about aspiring to be better and nobler and kinder than you are. It's about making sacrifices for the good of others-even when there's not going to be anyone telling you what a hero you are."

Hebrews 11:1 (NIV):  Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.

Today was one of those days where I needed to remind myself of faith. Where my brain wasn't firing on all cylinders. A day where the overcast compounded the hunger and ate away at my cheerfulness. A day  where I never quite climbed out of the funk.

Days like this happen, they can happen on a belly full of food, in the sunshine with your kids giggling all around you. Given, it is harder to have a bad day full, in the sun, with giggling kids, but not impossible. From a production standpoint, work went well. From a hunger standpoint, it wasn't bad, plenty of Slimfast and V8 and I never really was close to eating any solids. I have a head cold, but that isn't new. And Daniel and Sam, they've been cute as ever.

I find that I reflect a little more on bad days, not always the wisest use of time, but often unavoidable. As noticed, today I reflected a little on Faith.  In truth, my thoughts on faith rarely involve Limp Bizkit, but still, it's kind of funny.  The Butcher quote I head just yesterday and I really liked it. To me it was a very modern, practical, secular approach to verse that contains a lot of spiritual meaning to me. While I personally believe faith should involve my Lord, having a faith based outlook, as the Butcher quote suggests, is not a poor alternative, but is rather noble and rare.

Hebrews 11:1 is a great quote for summarizing religion. A harsh critic would argue the same thing, only from the perspective "You lack solid scientific evidence, so you go with things that feel and seem correct and pass them off as law" to which I cheerfully agree.  As I mentioned on Day-27: Though I am a smart guy, I lack the capacity and schooling to fully grasp all the intricacies of  my own religion, let alone, all other religions and theories on life.  This lack of capacity, which I believe all mankind suffers, leaves only three options: No faith, Butcher's faith (or at least how I interpret his quote) and faith in religion.  Faith in the socially functional immediate, as Butcher would suggest, is good, not great. Butcher's faith does not answer "what's down the road?" it only allows us to take our net step, look around and act. From the bottom of my heart, there is something more out there and it requires faith in something that cannot be fully understood, but is unconditionally believed in.


As the day winds down, I can start thinking about a better day for tomorrow and my spirits lift. I am by no means bubbly, but it is hard to stay in a sour mood when your 3-year-old tells you "go kiss mommy" :) And when a 2-year-old jumps into your arms and demands "go, book, read" because he's sleepy and wants a story before closing his eyes.

Today wasn't especially challenging, it definitely was not fun, it was mostly "blah". Tomorrow will be better and Jesus didn't have Slimfast.

Random Notes: Started the day at 193 Lbs, will finish around 1,800 calories. Also, I huffed the boys Happy Meal bags like I was hyperventilating, I miss grease.   

Day-28: The Things That Make Me Smile

- Beth
- The thought of eating solids again
- When Sam is experiencing a deep, rolling, cackling laugh
- That time Daniel used the expression "wholly shit" in perfect context
- That Daniel knows we're not just buddies, but best buddies
- The way Sam currently runs
- When I sign up new builders
- Singing at Church
- Singing in my car
- Dancing with my boys in the basement
- The childhood my parents gave me
- How off key my mother sings
- The fact that I'm the dumb sibling
- Writing my blog (that one shocked me)
- Fishing - especially when I actually catch something
- Apple Pie w/ Cheddar Cheese melted on top
- When I cook something new and it's a success
- The smell of meat on a grill
- A cold beer when you need one
- When a friend calls me out of the blue to tell me that they are proud of something I've done
- 21-Years of Robert being there with me, by me always on my side
- 25-Years of Dan's friendship
- How unconditional Rory's friendship is
- Friendships that neither time or distance can diminish
- That the Governor directly emails my wife (for work)
- 8-Years come September
- "Little Boy" by Alison McGhee
- Knowing that Jesus died for my sins
- A laugh, a roll of the eyes and a missed handshake
- Daniel's "Chick Magnet" and what its taught me
- How scary smart Madison is
- My Dad
- My Mom
- Family in general
- PBR
- Deep Fried Pickles
- Coaching Wrestling
- Everything by Robert B. Parker
- Dos Pina Colada
- When I walk in the door and my boys run to me
- When Beth truly finds something funny
- Beth's sleep face
- My 1994 Chevy 2500 Turbo Diesel
- A single malt at least 18-years old
- Need to Breath "Something Beautiful"
- Outcast "Hey Ya!"
- The excuses Daniel comes up with to get out of bed
- That Daniel no longer enjoys watching Caillou
- When I know from the bottom of my heart that I just did the right thing
- The thought of #3, perhaps a daughter? Perhaps 2012?
- The fact that my blog has been viewed more than 1,200 times
- Cuddling with my boys
- That Daniel knows that head control means and can demonstrate it
- And so much more...

Because sometimes it's just good to remember what makes your smile.

Random Notes: Started the day at 194 lbs and will finish around 1700 calories.

Day-27: What if God Wasn't in the Equation?

To be clear: Jesus Christ is my Lord and Savior and I'm participating in Lent in hopes of strengthening my relationship with God.

A few years back, during a TV interview, an elected official I know quite well was asked something along the line of "Are you more likely to trust another person that is religious, even if their religion is not the same as yours?" The response was off the cuff and a little cluttered, but went something along the lines of "Yes, of course, after all, we all worship the same God."

The question of  "which is the correct deity?" is question that I am neither properly educated for, or frankly speaking, intelligent enough to explore.  I'm a smart guy but when comes topics with magnitudes and complexities like "correct faith", "meaning of faith", "God vs. society vs. history vs. globalization", "if God can do anything can he create a bolder so big that even he can not lift it?" "If God created the universe, what created God?", "If the universe started with 'Bang', what was before the 'Bang' that allowed the bang to occur?", "What is functionality of looking at something light years away, when images we see in real-time are actually hundreds of years old?".  Those questions are like understanding the distance to Jupiter, 928.5 million Kilometers, and would take about 950 years to drive there at 60 MPH, at a glance I have an answer but it meaningless to me, I just can't relate to it.

My faith is limited to what I've been exposed to, how I've thought about it, how I feel it affects me and my personal experience in seeing it in action. People much smarter than I have gotten lost in the quest for understanding religion

The "all the same God" response brought upon some flack to that particular politician, from members of other religions. When given a chance to clarify, and again I'm going by memory, that elected official explained that as long as your worship a God, they would have a better understanding of you belief structure and be more likely to trust you.  While I understand the reasoning behind trusting religious people more readily, I don't find it to be sound logic.

Without knowing a person, how would one know that a particular person is indeed devote?  There are always indicators as to whether a person is devote; they openly ware a symbol of faith, they bow before meals or pray openly and often, they make their worship attendance known, they work or volunteer for a faith based or funded organization, they could even just tell you that they are. But all of these indicators are just that, indicators, and until you can verify devotion by your own preference of litmus test, one would not know if they are trusting a person because they have faith or just because they appear to have faith.  If a creditable source were to tell you that a particular person is devote then you'd be trusting that sources recommendation more than the actual person. By the time a person can verify another's faith, they will have probably will have already concluded to what degree that person can or should be trusted.

For me, trust is less a question of faith and more a question of moral accountability.  From time to time we will all come up short with moral accountability, some more often than others, and some to a greater degree. The frequency that it occurs in our own life probably contains high and low points, so it is not a matter of does the person have moral accountability but how seriously they take it. Having faith in a particular religion helps with moral accountability because your morality is tied to your God. But other things can dictate moral accountability; the desire for social structure, political or professional advancement, fear of penalty, opinions of others and one's desire to be wanted.

In a way, I'm working on my own moral accountability. I'm not taking God out of my equation for Lent, but if I did I'd still be working towards the following goals:

- No solids for 40-Days
- To figure out where my path it taking me and why I am dong this
- To be more verbally filtered
- For mental clarity
- To be skinnier
- To understand and appreciate that I'm not always in control
- To talk more about things with importance
- To live a moralistic life

Which is all about self improvement. Kindness, meditation, self-reflection, healthier - all of which are hard to argue as unnecessary in life. Even if you are a person that is skeptic about religions, skeptic about some hypocrisies that are often associated with faith, even skeptic about society in general, it if hard to find flaws with basic self improvements.  Especially if the improvements benefit not just the direct person but those around him or her.

I don't argue to try the equation without God, but rather, if you can get on board with self improvement, there is no harm in adding God to the package. If at the end of a journey you are only a better person and not any more spiritual, you lost nothing.  If you do not attempt to incorporate and appreciate God you will not gain him.  If you didn't know God before, work to have him in your life and succeed, it is another positive thing. I sometimes struggle or even forget to appreciate all the wonderful things God and prayer has done in my life.

It is kind of silly, but for me, God is like a person at a dance, across the room, standing quietly against the wall, but if you ask him / her to dance you will always get a "yes." As you dance you'll notice how truly beautiful, interesting, wonderful, caring and fun God is.  You will be amazed at how important and great it is to have God as your friend. But if you never ask God to dance he / she will just always be that quiet person against the wall, waiting to be asked.  

Random Notes: Started the day at 195 Lbs, finished around 1,700 calories. Feeling good, not missing my double chin, though I do want a cheeseburger.

Day-26: Banana Bread, Are You Serious?

You know it is love when you wife is truly excited and complimented by her husband's anguish.

On Sunday evening the Emmitt household was full of love. Beth baked banana bread and it smelled delicious, so savory, with a moist interior and crispy outer crust.  Beth's slice was all warm and fresh, a small chunk broke off. I wanted to eat it! Why shouldn't I be allowed to have just that one little quarter sized bite of bread? Oh yeah, because I still have 17-Days to go.

As I brought Beth her fresh slice of banana bread, coated with margarine, I told her the torture that it gave me. I told her how the bread was the closest thing I've actually came to eating since I started. I poured my heart out to her, letting her know that I had to take a deep breath and walk away before I failed.  My lovely wife, with all her compassion, clapped, grinner and said "Yay, something I baked almost made you fail," while giggling with excitement.

I didn't eat the banana bread, but I wanted to. I wanted to take the entire loaf, dip it in butter and shove it in my taste hole, but I didn't. I've wanted to do a lot of things over the past 26-Days that I have not done. Food to eat, details to pick at, comments to mock, employees to scold, signs to ignore, blogs to skip, conversations to pass up and thoughts to be left unexplored are just a few of the things I would have done different if not for Lent. How much different, I can 't be sure, but it would have been different and not for the better.

Random Notes: Started the day at 195 lbs, finished around 1,800 calories.

Day-25: The Wedding Season Has Started

For the Emmitt family, the wedding season has officially begun.  About a week ago we were excited that we didn't have many weddings to attend this summer, then we actually counted them and we realized that 2011 does indeed have a wedding season. Six weddings to be exact.  Thankfully, we are not in any of the weddings and we only have one a month from June - October. Of the six weddings, three are local, one in Metro Detroit, another in Chicago and the farthest in Hawaii.

Weddings are great. If you are religious they represent a bond created by God, as a gift to man and woman. For those whom see the more secular side of weddings, weddings are an opportunity for the best of friends to publicly commit to one another, in a way that is both joyous and exciting.  Whatever your belief, watching two people, whom are in love, commit to each other is an awesome thing. It is great when the bride and groom are so into the moment that nothing else in the world is occurring. For a brief moment in time the world revolves around them and many guests would agree. Beth and I have been to weddings at numerous churches of varying denominations, at golf courses, a planetarium, a state park, beach side while vacationing in Mexico and each time brings something new and awesome to the experience. 

With last night's wedding being officially in the books, I'm happy to say that things started out well.  The wedding and reception had everything they were supposed to, a glowing bride, a grinning groom, two "I do's", loving family, happily supporting friends, a strong message, a 7' tall associate pastor and Sam Adam's Boston Lager on draft. Two notes about that list, I was told the food was good but I didn't I could not verify it for myself and I did place the list in what I fee,l was order of importance.

Despite drinking a bottled milkshake from the grocery store as my dinner, the reception was a good time. Beth and I were sat at a table where we didn't know anybody, but were able to chat and enjoy the company of new people. Obviously, our table guests noticed that I never got up to get food form the buffet, which opened up the conversation of Lent. While I didn't have an immediate breakthrough in my spiritual witnessing I was able to convey that I was not doing this to get skinner but rather to focus more on the spiritual aspect of Lent, which as far as I'd want to push the subject in that particular setting.

It seems to me that there is not an ideal time to witness to another person.  When you do witness, you subconsciously want to impose your beliefs, without seeming to want to impose your beliefs, this is the comical aspect of what we do.  The fear of becoming "that guy" or "that Christan" holds people up from witnessing, we fear the reaction "You don't see me pushing my lack of faith on you, don't push yours on me".  Often it is easier to witness to strangers or loose acquaintances as oppose to close friends and family.  Largely, people would rather build shelters in 3rd World Nations, in the name of the Lord, rather than personally invite neighbors to their church at the next block party. This is something that I struggle with as well, "How often do I bring up God to my friend, neighbors, family?" Again, there seems to never be an ideal time "Would you pass the salt and by the way, if you don't start looking into Jesus as your personal savior, I think you're not going to end up in Heaven with me and I don't want to spend the rest of eternity without you, so get on that would you?"  This is a hard point, the mission of Church is to go out and make believers, one of the main goals of Christianity is to spread it.   It is hardest to spread to a person close to you, whom you are unsure where their future lies, but you know you want them to end up with you. 

Last night I didn't have a strong witness experience, but unlike Day-3, I don't feel like a wasted an opportunity. I'm still have a laundry list of things that I need to improve on but it is nice to know that they are at the front of my mine and I'm taking them seriously as they arise.

Random Notes: Started the day at 195 Lbs, finished around 1,900 calories.

Day 24: I'm Ron Burgundy?

FYI - Jesus didn't have Slimfast but chocolate flavored beverages are getting OLD! 

There is a scene from Will Ferrel's "Anchorman" where the lead character Ron Burgundy signs off from news casts by saying "Well, that's going to do it for Channel 4 News. You stay classy San Diego, I'm Ron Burgundy?" (See Clip Here) The joke is that Burgundy inflects his voice as if he does not know who he is.  This happens because somebody had placed a question mark at the end of the teleprompter and Burgundy reads anything typed on the teleprompter.

During the height of the movie, the joke from that scene became sort of a pop culture reference, my friends and I would inflect a question to an unnecessary statement.  To this day it still finds some use.

After yesterday, where my steam was low, batteries drained and focus minimal, I could have easily done the same thing "I'm Andrew Emmitt?" Yesterday was one of those days, where one does not feel themselves. Where you are going through the motions and nothing can break your funk. I'm happy I blogged yesterday, but I totally phoned in the effort. Its not often that I question who I am, even up to this point in Lent, with all my questions and goals I've always known who I am - I just know I want it to be a slightly better me.

John Newton (1725-1807), an Anglican clergyman, author of "Amazing Grace" once was quoted saying:


"I am not what I ought to be, I am not what I want to be, I am not what I hope to be in another world; but still, I am not what I once used to be, and by the grace of God I am what I am." 

It's a quote that a guest pastor at my Church once used and has stuck with me since. Lent is a about strengthening one's relationship with God, by trying to relate to the sacrifice Jesus endured in the desert.  I think I keep expanding my list of things to improve on because I need to continue to struggle and question my progress. Here is a brief list of self-set goals that I've blogged about to date, the day blogged is in (  ):

- No solids for 40-Days (1)
- To not waste opportunities to witness (3)
- To think more often of God (7)
- To figure out where my path it taking me and why I am dong this (10)
- To be more verbally filtered (11)
- For mental clarity (13)
- To be skinnier (15)
- To understand and appreciate that I'm not always in control (16)
- To talk more about things with importance (18)
- To do my faith proud / live a life that resembles my beliefs (22)

It's kind of a daunting list. And it's growing. I have not, nor expect to master any of it and while I have not eaten any solids or gained any weight, from time to time, I come up short on the rest of the bullet points. 24-Days into this and I have almost no negative feelings towards what I am doing. Any negative feelings I do have will be irrelevant come Good Friday.

Anyway, tonight I have my first and only wedding reception of this Lenten season.  It is hard not to eat anything at wedding receptions, wish me luck!

Random Notes: Was able to utilize the straw test on some Hot & Sour Soup! Started the day at 196 LBS, finished around 1,800 Calories.

Day-23: My Blog Just Turned 1,000 & I Need To Boil Some Water

More than 1/2 way though my little journey and my blog turned 1,000. That means my blog has been visited more than 1,000 times. I'm not sure what qualifies a blog  "popular" but I imagine that the total has to be well over 1,000.  For something I started doing on a whim, 1,000 visits makes me smile and I'm proud of my blog.

Boiling water creates steam - something I'm currently low on. 

My concern of losing steam is still a serious one. I have no problem not eating solids, I miss solids and am looking forward to eating them, but it is not an issue. My concern of losing steam falls in the self- reflection, spiritual expansion and blogging, which helps with those issues and more. 

I find myself repeating my concerns: self-improvement is challenging, no matter what form it comes in. When you have a goal to work towards and life gets busy, the goal gets moved to the back burner. Whether you are dieting, working out, reading, etc, stress and lack of free time puts a damper on the progress. Truth be told, I'm not enjoying typing tonight, I doing it solely to not fall behind two-days.

For those of you whom follow my blog, thank you, for helping me turn 1,000. I will have something better for you on Day-24.

Random Notes: Started the Day at 197 Lbs, will finish around 1,700 calories.

Day-22: Holy Bacon Batman, Why Did I Give You Up?

Beth thinks I'm a little self destructive - I keep cooking things for her and the boys that I really want to eat. What she does not realize, no matter what I cook, I really want to eat it. So, I'm not self destructive, just really fricken hungry.

Tonight the family had breakfast foods for dinner: bacon, sausage patties, eggs, tater tot hasbrowns and toast - I had broth. When I cook bacon, I don't fry it, I bake it. Set the oven for 425, cover a cookie sheet with foil, put the bacon on top of the foil and place it in the oven until it is cooked, to your liking. My method for cooking allows the bacon to cook evenly and makes cleanup very easy.  Beth enjoys simple scrambled eggs: egg with a little milk, salt, pepper and cooking in a pan, greased in butter. The tater tots start frozen and are pan fried till crispy, in olive oil and butter, seasoned with seasoning salt and cracked pepper. And the toast... well, take some wheat bread, place it in the toaster, push the lever down and when it pops, butter it.

The bacon was torture - it just smelled so ridiculously good that my dinner had to include it. My mother made me some beef and vegetable soup broth, so I put it in a pot with four strips of bacon, salt, cracked pepper, Franks Red Hot, Spice Crackers and shredded cheese. I let this concoction simmer on low heat for 90-minutes, strained it and LOVED IT! While my dish was not as delicious as individual strip of bacon, it was an acceptable substitute.

I appreciate this - I appreciate every single aspect of what I'm doing for Lent. I enjoy cooking and not being able to eat what I cook does not bother me. The sacrifice of solids is manageable and Day-44 is obtainable.

Lent makes me think of Jesus, which makes me think of my religion. When I think of Christianity I often think of a quote by Father Brennan Manning:

The greatest single cause of atheism in the world today Is Christians who acknowledge Jesus with their lips Then walk out the door and deny him by their lifestyle. That is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable.

This quote represents a very common criticism of the my religion. I've had personal experience with people whom are active members in their Church Community, but it would not be known outside of church functions.  I'm sure people have experienced moments with me, that would leave them with the similar thoughts, about my faith and I'm sorry for that.

I'm not looking to be a stereotypical "Bible Thumper" but I hope to represent myself in a manner that doesn't shock people, if told that Jesus Christ is my Lord and Savior.  I'll have my moments, my moments that in retrospect make me cringe, moments that do not do my Savior proud, but those moments are forgivable, understandable and quite frankly, expected. The history of humanity has netted the archives some great and honorable people, but only one has been pure and he was tortured for it.

The idea is to keep my shortcomings to a minimum and to learn from them. In between low moments, I hope to glory God.  I'm sure my life will net a few critics, whom never truly see where my heat and intentions lie, their exposure to me may always be inopportune, but I pray that it is a relative few.

I don't want my Monday - Saturday lifestyle to leave doubt in mind of my observers, about Christianity.  Accepting Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior is the only key to Heaven, but leading a lifestyle encourages family, friends and strangers to join you, isn't a bad thing.

Random Notes: Started the day at 197 lbs and will finish around 1,800 calories, including four beers. 

Day-21: Part 3 of The Things I've Been Tempted to Shove Down My Taste Hole

During the past 7-Days I can't think of anything funny that I've been tempted to shove in my taste hole - so I'm going straight to the list of things I wish I could have eaten, during the past 7-Days:

- Fresh Muscles from The Republic (Tuesday)
- Spice Crackers (Friday - Tuesday)
- A Bloomin Onion (Friday)
- A Slider (Friday)
- Chicken, Mashed Potatoes, Spinach w/ Mushrooms, Fresh Bread, Green Bean Casserole (Sunday)
- Home Made Tacos (Wednesday)
- Chips (Every Day)
- An Angus Beef Burger, French Fries, Chicken Nuggets, Fish Sandwich (Friday)  

Anyway, I've started week-3 and catch myself glancing towards the finish line, which worries me. I'm doing a marathon, not a sprint, if I mentally pick of the pace to early I won't have the focus for the end. Work has been intense this week and while I don't ignore Jesus, I have  not devoted a lot of intense thoughts his way.  In retrospect, busy days are almost saddening because I focus so much on myself and not what I'm trying to accomplish.

A part of working to make myself better is consciously work to help those around me. The closet I've came to help someone around me, during the past 48-Hours, was giving a panhandler $3.00. Tomorrow, I will do more.

Random Notes: Started the day at 198 Lbs, maybe I had to much soup. Will finish down around 1800 Calories. And P.S. Burger King Chocolate Shakes are not worth the calories.

Day-19 & 20: 1/2 Way There (Not Really) and a 2-Fer

For the first time in 20-Days I've experienced something that tastes good. It wasn't a 20-Days later tastes good, but an actual tastes good, tastes good.  The Republic of Grand Rapids was featuring "Sweet & Sour Duck Soup" - The server brought be me just the broth, it passed the straw test - it was awesome!!! Like little angels square dancing on my tongue.

Coincidentally, Day-20 fell on Oberon day, the first day of the year where the Bell's Brewery releases their annual batch of Oberon. To me, Oberon is a little overplayed, but like Green Beer on St. Patty's Day, on Oberon day, it is worth drinking. So in addition to my "Sweet & Sour Duck Soup", I enjoyed 2 pints of Oberon.

 
I feel guilty about the 2-Fer that I'm posting today.  I hope that this is the only 2-Fer of the 40-Days, it makes me feel lazy and neglectful. To which I can almost smile at the silliness of the situation, since the blog is self motivated and an outlet for my thoughts. But I need it, I need the blog and structure and the self-reflection that it creates. For me, the blog has become as much a part of Lent as not eating solids.  If I give myself too much slack with the blog the rest may crumble and that hiding in a closet, eating a bag of Salt & Pepper Kettle Chips is dangerously close.

Yesterday was Day-19, Sunday. My first Sunday, where a meal of baked chicken, mashed potatoes, fresh bread, green bean casserole and spinach w/ mushrooms was turned down. A day that included sleeping in, working out and thinking, a lot, about Lent. It was a day of spending time with my family, preparing for spring, not eating solids and being thankful for all that we have. Day-19 was everything a Sunday should be and everything I needed to get through without solids, to be sure that the next 25-Days are obtainable.

As it turns out, Day-19 is also the day where I decided that my first solid meal would be in another 24-Days, Maundy Thursday. As an FYI, Maundy Thursday is a day commiserating the Last Supper of Jesus and his Disciples. By the time Maundy Thursday roles around, I will have gone 43-Days without solids, and at the end of on that 44th Day, a baseball sized chunk of 135 degree, red meat will be SCREAMING my name from Mt. Everest.

Today work contained some employee stress. Rather than deal with that stress by anger, sarcasm or frustration, I passed the buck. I delegated a stressful situation to an coworker, rather my partner, a person extremely competent and able to handle the situation better than I. When resolved, three people were better off: By not blowing a gasket, I was a little improved, Robert, my partner, earned a little more management experience and an employee saved a little face in correcting a mistake. Situations won't always play out this way, but today did and it helps me to smile.

At Day-20 I've consumed more than 60 chocolate SlimFast shakes, 18 protein shakes, 360 ounces of V8, 4 McDonald's Triple Thick Shakes and a few other random fluids. By Day-44 all of these numbers will have more than doubled. Doubtlessly, the tastes of chocolate SlimFast will be low on the "needs list", but I will it will have been a staple of survival.

Jesus didn't have SlimFast, but he had the knowledge of who he was and what his destiny was. I may have SlimFast and self-resolve but more importantly, I have know who Jesus was, what he went though and what it means for human kind and to me. I'm on Day-20, not quite half way there, but the map to the end is getting more clear and the experience is exciting. 

Random Notes: Started the day at 198 Lbs and since I can't gauge the calorie count of "Sweet & Sour Duck Soup" then daily calorie count is unclear.

Day-18: Spice Crackers, Spice Crackers, Spice Crackers Mmmmmm

I love my childhood. I grew up in a household with loving parents, loving siblings and great friends; I also grew up on the lower side, of the middle class income level.  As a middle class child your parents income bares little relevance to your world.  You may notice that some friends / classmates have more video games, their parents drive newer cars, they vacation in more interesting places or have more toys, but for the most part the affect is minimal. We always had a house, two cars, clothes, food, presents on holidays, played sports, went to friends, camped in the summer, life was good.  It is easy to look back and realize which friends came from families with money, but at the time it barely mattered. If my parents had made more money when we young, we may not have ever discovered the world of Spice Crackers.

For all intent and purposes, grades K-12, I had Spice Crackers in my lunch everyday but Thursday (Pizza Day). My family called them Spices Crackers, by the time I was in the third grades, they were more commonly referred to as Emmitt Mix.  On Sunday my parents would mix oyster crackers, cheese crackers, mini pretzels, ranch, dill and oil, in a giant Tupperware bowl and everyday in my lunch, I'd get a small bag of it. The stuff is delicious and my friends loved it, still do.  As an elementary school aged boy, Spice Crackers were not always my favorite: "Do I have to have them again?", "Why can't I buy hot lunch?", "Why can't you buy Doritos?". Thankfully, I learned the world of bartering at an early age; "my spice crackers for your pudding cup," and by High School I could trade a sandwich bag of Spice Crackers for an entire hot lunch.

Spice Crackers were with me at college, they been presents for friends, they were at my wedding, they've been at my BBQ's, and they are equally loved by my parent's grandchildren. Beth and I went back to Holly to see my parents on Friday; sitting there, on top of the refrigerator, in a giant Tupperware bowl was a fresh batch of Spice Crackers.  Daniel and Sam love Spice Crackers, they had them as a snack upon arrival, munched on them for breakfast, a snack at lunch time and were sent home with a batch on Saturday.  The only time they didn't have flakes of dill on their, fingers, mouth or clothes was getting out of the shower.  When I open the lid of the Tupperware, my mouth salivates, the tongue screams "yes, eat them" and my mind races back to childhood, I love Spice Crackers.  This weekend was the first time in my life, where I have been around Spice Crackers and didn't have at least a nibble.

Not enjoying Spice Crackers is one of the few negatives, of not eating solids.  Of all the positives that have come from not eating solids, as of Day-18, I'd have to say that the opportunity for conversation is best part. Conversations with God, with myself, with Beth, with other family, friends, coworkers and acquaintances. Sometimes people just want to know why I'm doing this, other times the "why" leads to deeper and longer discussions. 

As the conversations evolve, so do the answers.  On Day-1, the honest answer to "why are you doing this?" would have been "Not exactly sure, but also because and I can do it and it will impress people." By Day-3 the answer was, "so I more often think about God". Today the answer is along the line of "to make myself a better person.  To help me figure out where my spiritual relationship with God is and where it needs to go. To hopefully give myself some clarity with the direction of my life.  To be a little skinner and because I can do it and it will impress people."

I love the conversations I'm getting from this.  Conversation is part of the reason I blog. Blogging allows me to have this conversation with myself, to formulate thoughts and share them.  I know that on an earlier post I indicated that I view conversation like a cage fight, but in regards to my 40 Days of Liquid, it's leisurely, relaxing, enjoyable, like playing catch with a baseball.

Random Notes: Started the day at ???, not sure, my parents scale is not accurate. Will finish the day around 2,100 calories.

Day-17: The Straw Test

When going to the bar, a common joke towards the waitress is; "Just a beer, I'm on a liquid diet." Waitresses kindly smile, your group laughs and nobody expects you to be serious. Even for those whom start only with beer will snag a french fry, a potato chip, a bite of a slider, or some other random nugget of goodness when available.  If sitting at a table with friends and not butterflying around the bar, I'd wager that the "just a beer" guy ends up with his own order of deep fried pickles, jalapeno poppers, nachos, etc, bye the end of the night.  

Last night I was that "just a beer" guy and while my evening didn't involve deep fried, heavenly, goodness I did come up with The Straw Test.

The Straw Test is simple; if a soup is a thin enough to be sucked through a straw, I'll drink what I can (with the straw) and leave the rest in the bowl. The bar was featuring cream a broccoli soup and despite some massive leftover chunks, I enjoyed about 2/3 of the bowl, through the straw... it was amazing. 

In my own little world of Lenten sacrifice, I comprise the Executive, Legislative and Judaical Branches of what is and is not allowed. Sometimes, like last night, I'm forced to ask myself "is this acceptable for what I'm looking to accomplish?", "will I be mad at myself later?"  Obviously, I found it to be acceptable and thankfully I did not regret it later.

When deciding to allow The Straw Test for soups, I made a mental list of things not allowed:
 - Gravy
- Apple Sauce
- Pudding / Custard
- Mashed Potatoes
- Hummus
- Cottage Cheese
- Liquid Cheese
- Hot Fudge
- Ice Cream (Though fair game melted or in a milkshake form)
In all likely hood the list will be added to, in days to come.

For me the overall results of the diet carry the least amount of magnitude in my Lenten experience, nonetheless it is an absolutely necessary component that ties everything together and is the foundation of  that which is making me strive to be better. Having rules that I stick by, following through with, and talk about, are critical for my success. If I started eating solids, my spiritual journey would follow the same path as other broken diets or missed work outs. I eat solids on Day-18, then not again till Day-26, then Day-32, then Day-34, Day-35, Day-36- "darn, I almost did it" and at the same time my self reflection gets becomes less important and less devote.  Workouts have the same fate, miss a day here, a day there and pretty soon working out is something that one used to do when they had time.

I need to be strict with myself. In the scheme of things 40-Days isn't much and is something that I can handle. I can't comprise my own standards on this, which is why The Straw Test scared me and why I'm silly about things like ice cream. Chunks of ham are off limits, but if a friend takes the time to puree them, with the split peas, the ham is now allowed. Ice cream, fresh from the freezer, is a no-no, but when left to sit in room temperature for 20 minutes, I gladly slurp that stuff up.

For now, the diet is the instrument that makes me ask more of myself. The diet is glue that is holding together my little journey of self-improvement, self-betterment, self-worth, self-guidance, self-direction, self-something. I have 23-Days left to not only master the "why?", the "how?" and the "what now?" but also to set up  accountability without the diet (and blog), so that it doesn't all fall apart, without the glue, without the diet, without the season of Lent.  

Random Notes: Started the day at 197 lbs, will finish around 1900 calories. And mom, thanks for the soup broth.

Day-16: Attack of the Killer Leftover Demons

Unlike Vampires of the Black Court, a Leftover Demon cannot be killed by a wooden stake to the heart, it has no head to chop off, Holy water only makes soupy and garlic (with a little franks) often makes the Leftover Demon more desirable.  An exorcism may work on a Leftover Demon but only if the those doing the rites are hungry.  For Leftover Demons cannot be banished, only eaten, given away or thrown away.

I love leftovers. I love to take them and transform them into something new. Cheese, garlic powder, seasoning salt, cracked pepper and franks are often on the roster of Team Leftover. Last night's Outback is tomorrows breakfast skillet. Friday night's pizza is Saturday morning cold pizza w/ mustard, not creative but oh so delicious. 

Tomorrow, in addition to standard stock, my fridge will contain leftover taco meat and leftover chicken stir-fry on fried rice. Those things are just screaming to be played with, but sadly they wont.  They will be left to spoil, in favor of the trail of urinary annoyance. For on my liquid journey there is not leftover surprise.  No sauteed garlic, onion, soy, peppered diced chicken fingers on a french fry hash.  No sweet & sour pork omelet or fried-egg-half-club sandwich. Just the sweet, chocolate, redundancy of Slimfast or the smooth, salty, ever so health V8... grrrr......

In thinking of Leftover Demons I find myself thinking of anger.  I'm not angry that I can't eat leftovers, as I've mentioned before, the lack of solids does not bother me. After years of cutting weight so I can be in the starting lineup on my wrestling teams, food isn't tempting, 40-Days is just annoying. As noted yesterday, I wrestled 157 lbs in college, a nutritionist at GVSU calibrated my body fat at 1.6 %. Actually, a student calibrated it at 1.9%, a machine found it to be 1.7% and the professional, thinking they were both wrong, did it herself and came up with 1.6%. I remember this clearly because after the nutritionist calculated, then double checked her results, she said something along the line of "wrestlers are disgusting, I don't know how you have any energy to function at this body fat, you could die from being this skinny."  Sadly, this was my junior year, I stupidly went back down to 157 lbs as a senior.

I digressed, sorry. Anyway, I get angry at times. Never violent towards others, though I have broke a cell phone, or three. Yelling often occurs, but the most common outlet is evil, ruthless, forked tongue sarcasm. Bitter acid tones in my voice, attached to sentences designed to make the target feel more stupid than I am angry and remind any in audience that they do not want to be on the receiving end.  However, since Day-11, no sarcasm and the anger is less. Things still upset me, a few times it's bubbled over, but it bubbles less.  Not a severe bubble and a few times the bubble has been avoided by prayer.  If not God than at least prayer takes time, time requires breathing, breathing slows the heart rate, which lowers blood pressure, which calms me :)

Today, I spoke separately with a couple friends, about my journey. Both of whom have utilized and needed prayer in their life. Telling the story, to date, has helped me realize the more I talk about needing more from this journey then a trim waist, the more I will get out of  it. We all have this natural desire to be self made, to prove that we can do it on our own: I paid my way though college, I started a small business, I was a successful wrestler, I've ran a marathon etc, etc, etc. But the list is always missing: With student loans, with my my father-in-law's idea and co-signature, because of great coaches and practice partners, because Beth watched Daniel so I could train. The support reasons, that never get noted, when people list their accomplishments can always be traced back generation, to generation, to generation, to, well, you get the idea. It all goes back to the beginning, to God.

So maybe this about learning to understand it's greater than "me", that I don't really do anything myself and that I'm not actually in control of what I think I am.

I don't know - needs more thought and time - both of which with happen.

Random Notes: Started the day at 199 lbs, will finish around 1,500 calories, which will include 4 beers. Tomorrow I'll need more healthy calories. 

Day-15: Holy Crap! - My Weight Starts With an "1"

As I've repeatedly stated, the motive behind this 40-Days of liquid is not my waist line, it is to better myself and my relationship with God. Lord knows that the weight will come back once I start eating normal.  I must gain more than a smaller pant size to better myself as a person and to make the frustration and hardships of not eating worth it. All that being said, a slimmer midsection is a definite bonus and not something that I'm ashamed of enjoying.

For the first time since weighing more than 200 lbs, I started the day under 200 lbs, 199 to be exact. I've spent more than a decade wrestling competitively, which makes remembering how much I weighed at what point in my life easy. (At least during the winter months):

- 95 Lbs - 5th Grade (10 years old)
- 125 Lbs - 6th Grade (I was a chunky monkey) (11)
- 107 Lbs - 7th Grade (12)
- 121 Lbs - 8th Grade (13)
- 135 Lbs - 9th Grade (14)
- 135 Lbs - 10th Grade (15)
- 152 Lbs - 11th Grade (16)
- 160 Lbs - 12th Grade (17)
- 195 Lbs Freshmen 35 (didn't wrestle) at Bradley University (18)
- 157 Lbs - Sophomore Year at GVSU  (19)
- 157 Lbs - Junior Year at GVSU (20)
- 157 Lbs - Junior Year at GVSU (21)

In regards to my years at GVSU, I actually weighed 180 lbs when I wasn't in season and 157 lbs was my weigh in weight.  Even during wrestling season my natural weight was around 170 lbs. The last time I weighed 157 lbs was mid-January, 2004 at the Cleveland State Open.

The week following the Cleveland State Open, Beth and I sat down to pay our bills and realized that we were broke. No more Wrestling, Andy get's a job. I finished my degree in May, 2004 and the waist line never looked back. I worked as Political Director for the Kent County Republicans and by the time we had re-elected George W. Bush in November, 2004 I was 190 lbs. Starting in January 2005 I helped coach wrestling at Byron Center High School, for the State Meet, in March, I was holding firm at 195 lbs.  Sometime in the Summer of 2005 I finally broke 200 lbs, though it would be 2006 before I admitted that I no longer weighed in the 190's.

During the past 6-years my weight has fluctuated within a 34 lbs range. I peaked in December, 2007 at 236 lbs, shortly after Daniel was born. Even after completing a full program of P90X my weight hit 202 lbs in December, 2009, still above 200 lbs.  The past few years I've been happy with my weight / body - when I get towards and above 220 lbs I work to bring it back down to the 210-215 lbs range.

In the future, other than "Random Notes" I won't be posting specifically on my weight. To me, it is just kind of cool to be under 200 lbs for the first time since 2005. Even in October, 2008  when I ran a a full marathon my weight was 211 lbs. Pastor's preach because they are called to do so by the spirit of the Lord but a healthy collection plate is never frowned upon.

Random Notes: Started the day at 199 lbs, will finish around 1,900 calories. Had pureed soup for dinner thanks to a friend! Not that I'm done with Slim Fast but it is always nice to have a change of pace for the pallet - perhaps a pureed cheeseburger may happen before Day-40.

Day-14: Part 2 of The Things I've Been Tempted to Shove Down My Taste Hole

I have started craving food! Some cravings are greater than others and though I've not come close to giving in, here is a list from week 2, that I've been tempted to partake in (as a reminder, I have not done any of the following:
- Lick the box that Kyle's Pizza Hut came in, last Friday
- A side cup of ranch dressing that Beth's sampler platter came with, last Thursday
- A puree of Corned Beef and Cabbage on St. Patty's Day
- McDonald's French Fry Puree
- A mouthful of Honey (Still may do this one)
- Wiped Hummus w/ milk (so it is liquid)

Other than the random - "licking a cardboard box" like items, the above list is going to get redundant, so I'm adding a new "end of the week" list. Item's it's killed me not to eat, that I could have:
- The boy's leftover tacos that I made fresh tonight
- The boy's leftover burger and french fries from last Thursday
- "Bag fries" from yesterday
- That unopened tub of guacamole, staring at me, every time I open my refrigerator
- The corned beef and cabbage, from Pete's Tavern, on St. Patty's Day
- Meijer buttered pretzel braids  
- A Little Cesar's Bread stick

The food got to me today. I was constantly hungry and had brief moments where I thought "nobody is around, maybe a sandwich wouldn't hurt." I also had worries that I won't make it to Day 40.  Thankfully those moments quickly passed but they rattled me.

Not a lot of time with J.C. today - hopefully tomorrow will be better. I did work a little on my 2nd task.  I expressed anger and frustrations towards employees, I did not overuse candor or sarcasm. One of my older brother's told me that he tries to utilize conversation as a tool rather than a sport. My problem is that I'm overly willing too and enjoy experience conversation more as a cage fight - a cage fight is more extreme than I typically communicate but it gets the point across.

Just to the keep the record clear: As of Day-14, I'm not eating solids, I'm working on keeping my opinions to my self / being sensitive towards other, I'm trying to pray more, I'm focusing more on Jesus and searching for answers to question I'm not what to ask. All this makes me wonder if Lent will leave me any free time by Day-40?

Random Notes: Started the day at 200, will finish around 2200 calories (I was really hungry all day). Also, I'm not going to start pureeing a bunch of things, but if you puree it and give it to me, I'll try it - well, maybe.

Day-13: My Betty White Moments

Starting in 2010 Snickers commercials featured the tag line "you're not you when you're hungry"; my favorite commercial features Betty White, in a game of back yard football.  Linked here: Betty White

While my situation isn't the exact same, I've come to mentally call odd moments my "Betty White Moments" where I know a decrease in nutritional need is affecting my mental or emotional state of being.   More simply stated, not eating solids can make me moody! To my understanding I have not become erratic or unbalanced, but I'll verify and monitor with those close to me.   Mostly, I crash more easily or am sometimes flustered at things that typically do not phase me. The reason that Snickers comes to mind so quickly is because a Snickers bar would quickly fix the situation.

A normal Snickers bar has 28.8g of sugar and 34.5g of carbs, so the energy hits you fast. They also contain 271 calories with 13.6g of fat and 5.2g or saturated fat so the calories burn hot and strong.  I would not want to supplement a typical diet with Snickers, but in pinch, they work great.

In college, when cutting weight for wrestling and struggling before practice started, I used to eat a Snickers bar and by the time it wore off, adrenaline carried me the rest of the way.  Nowadays, I don't have that option and I'm typically crashing after adrenaline. V8, Fruit Juice and Slimfast are great supplements to my diet but not so great as emergency pick-me-ups.  If crashing I know that I have to be patient, which is not always easy. Kids and clients are not sympathetic to a daily random crash. The same holds true for a mood swings; by the time I've become aware that a mood swing is occurring, my nutritional needs are so messed up that it takes 45-minutes to balance it out.

Thankfully I realized the need for structure and routine caloric intake around Day-3 and stick to a regimented  schedule as best I can.  I mostly get off track when intensely working on a big project or if I stay up late and do not drink a shake before bed.

A first glace Betty White has little to do with Jesus Christ, but I can tell you it is HARD to look for Jesus when you are mentally road raging, at Honda Civic, that is inconsiderately driving the posted speed limit, when heading to the bank. Also, you do not focus well on spiritual needs when your inner mantra is chanting "eat a snickers, eat a snickers, eat a snickers, eat a snicker." As it turns out, Betty White has a lot of influence  with this Lenten experience and I need to pay attention to what I do, in order to keep her out of it.

Random Notes: Started the day at 200 Lbs, will finish around 2,000 calories, thanks heavily to a McDonald's Shake. Also, "if you threw a party and invited everyone you knew. You would see, the biggest gift would be from me and the card attached would say: 'thank you, for being a friend'"

Day-12: The Food Network is Hotter Than Victoria's Secret Photo Shoot

Okay, so it's 10:08 at night and Daniel just got out of bed and is now sitting on the couch watching Iron Chef America, on mute, asking us to explain the techniques that the chefs are using. How do you get upset about a 3-year old wanting to expand his culinary horizons?

10:12 - Daniel's back in bed -  let's hope it lasts.

Despite not allowing myself to currently indulge in any suggestion that Food Network inspires, I still love watching it.  Like most viewers, I'm continually jealous of the judges on these shows, sign me up! I'll eat what an Iron Chef cooks, any day of the week! When starting the season of Lent I was worried that I would not be able to watch the Food Network, in fear that it would be torturous. Happily, not eating solids is not that difficult and the Food Network is not torturous.

Today is Sunday and our boys are sick, we did not go to Church or to my in-laws for lunch. It was a relaxing family day that limited my exposure to people who do not reside at 7153 Osprey.  Small Children only speak candor and sarcasm is lost on them. After being together 8-years, Beth and I understand one another very well, with Beth my candor and sarcasm is rarely utilized. What all this means is that I had no opportunity to see how the bruises below my waist have started to effect me.  Tomorrow I will have to deal with employees, most of whom draw various degrees of sarcasm,  my self-improvement does not exclude employees, tomorrow will be interesting. 

The hard thing about filtering my mouth will not be "keeping it shut."  The hard part will be deciding if it would have been better to have called out the elephant or joked around, rather than being quiet.  Not being candid isn't as easily monitored as adjusting a cooking recipe or setting a room temperature. Monitoring will require a lot of speculation of "would my typical ways have made the situation better?"

I can't ignore the way that this came to the forefront of my mind and I am now certain that it carries more weight with my soul because of Lent, but how it effects me will take prayer and patience. Since I have not been eating I have been thinking more about the Lord and my relationship with him. I know not everything I do glorifies the Lord and I'm nearly always aware when my immediate actions are not for the Lord, but for myself. I don't consider self indulgence evil but I just know there always more glorifying options. I don't imagine that I'll ever be a zealot, but there is a spectrum of gray between the black & white of zealot & heathen that I happily subscribe to. 

I don't believe that God is talking to me more now than he has in the past and I don't believe that God is talking to me more than he does anybody else, I think I'm just finding what I'm searching for. I'm listing for the white noise in a quite room that is always there: the internal hum of electricity in an appliance, the wind outside, a distant car, a floor creek, etc. Like the white noise, if you don't listen for God, you'll rarely hear him.

Listening can be scary, you don't always want to hear what is being said. If it is coming from God, how do you ignore it?  Like my metaphysical kick in the crotch exposed, hearing something about you that you are so comfortable with but should work on or at least contemplate. It's not a situation that you just grin and bare, it takes your breath away and must be recovered from. It is scary and hard.

Random Notes: Started the day at 202, will end around 1700 calories. Also, I had some cream of broccoli soup from one of those Campbell Sippy Cans... mmmmmmm 10:57 pm and Daniel stayed in bed.

Day-11: A Swift Kick In The Crotch

No - I did not eat any food on Day-11 and I apologize in advance for the lack of levity in this post.

I struggle for the proper protocol when blogging the following day. Do I write in present tense or past tense? You'll notice that I sometimes bounce back and forth and for any grammar Nazis out there; I'm sorry.

Somebody very close to me recently made a purchase and I questioned its rationale. From my perspective, they overspent.  It is a quality product bought for a reasonable price, but the product is overkill and will always be overkill for what they need. I expressed my concerns and they rightfully retorted that they saved up, knew what they were getting, knew that it is overkill, wanted it anyway and is happy to have purchased it. I admitted that they were correct; I was sorry and I need to work more on filtering my thoughts, before they come out of my mouth. To which the kick in the crotch came:

"Maybe since not eating is so easy, you should of gave that (being unfiltered) up for Lent."

Candor - Often I struggle with sugar coating things, I nearly always call out the elephant in the room.  As I've gotten older, more established, experienced and professional, I've become more confident and even less aware of how people react to and feelings towards candor.

Sarcasm - With candor comes sarcasm and it's dangerous because often it is not well received. It is especially missed in text - since you can't text the tone of your thought / voice, a sarcastic text is nearly always taken the wrong way. 

Three times this week my Candor / Sarcasm has slapped me across the face by negatively effecting people that I care about. With the Bible, theologians are so confident in the symbolism and power of the number "3", that it is commonly accepted as rule of divine perfection.  Lent is about strengthening my relationship with God. If I can better myself than I can better my relationship with my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. To ignore what is so clearly a way to improve myself would be wasteful of the 11 solid-less days I've already endured and possibly cancel out the next 29. 

I can't say that without participating in Lent, my lesson learned on Day-11 would have missed, but I also can't say that it wouldn't have. Without my current journey I'm positive it would not have effected me as it has. I've spoken with candor and been sarcastic as far back as I can remember, its been a trait that many people both admire and hate about me. It is something that I use often and think more people should and I've always known that I'm in the minority with this thought.

I do not know how this is going to play out, how my personality will shift or even if it will. But I know where improvements await, I have an idea of where I need to go and most importantly, I know who to ask "how do I get there?"

Random Notes: Started the Day at 201 - will finish around 2100 calories. And for those stung by my sarcasm or embarrassed by my candor, I'm sorry to have hurt your feelings and will work to not hurt them in the future.